Girls experiment with sex and are still very cautious about discussing it. They don't want to declare they aren't virgins. Boys hardly know anything and even though sex education has been introduced in some schools, it's biological, clinical and doesn't tell you anything except "Always use a condom. And try and abstain!" Youngsters are experimenting. With porn on their mobile phones and erotica on their laptops, the new generation has access to every possible form of sexual data. What they still don't know is how to get it right. Sex is not just an act. It's an emotion. A very complicated emotion that is burdened with tradition, surrounded by a repressed culture and a judgemental society. There is a mild difference between the small town man and the metro man. And the women do not lag behind.
Home Truths: 31% Small town men have had more than one sexual partner, compared to 38% in metros, 56% men in small towns have never had oral sex, compared to 44% men in metros. 31% small town men fantasise about watching others having sex. In metros, 24 % men admit to the same.
According to the India Today-Nielsen Sex Survey, small town men do not date. That would explain why most of the boys in Lucknow would stand at the tea shop and ogle at a girl rather than ask her out. In India, we don't talk about sex. It's a topic that we're supposed to keep to ourselves. We find out about sex from the Internet and our peers. Peers who hardly know anything themselves. Therefore, we grow up with a skewed vision of what the opposite sex needs.
By 19, most men and women, whether in small towns or metros, have "fallen in love" and want to marry that person. Most men continue to do so until their early 20s and experience their first sexual encounter on their wedding night. Others go through heartbreak and marry the second woman who comes along. Trying to find multiple partners doesn't feature high on the wishlist of small town men. They don't know how to woo a woman. So it becomes difficult to keep doing so repeatedly. They will do what they know best-imitate their fathers, by giving money for the household and keeping peace by agreeing to what the wife says.
It is a myth that men like to have many partners and are commitment-phobic. They're not. They want nothing more than to find the perfect woman who wants to settle down with them, with all their flaws. Beauty and brains ranks high on the list of qualities a man looks for, sometimes even more than understanding and compassion. That's because they like to flaunt their women. They would be the envy of several people if they had a beautiful and intelligent wife.
Most men in small towns will remain virgins until they get married. Their spouse is their only sexual partner and if she is ready, they are satisfied. Surprisingly, their ideal sex partner is their spouse and not some film star or sportsman. Imagination isn't the strongest point in a small town man.
Even when we see tremendous progress all around us and think that we are liberated, the majority of small town or metro men still expect their spouse to be virgins. This is probably the reason the girls won't declare that they've had sex with their college sweetheart before they get married. And they will go to any lengths to protect their "reputation". I remember the good girls in Loreto Convent labelled me "loose and fast". That's because I would pick up my brother from his boys-only school, St Francis, and chatted with the opposite sex. Even before I had kissed a boy and understood what was happening, to them I had lost my virginity and no one would want to marry me. Secretly I thought that was wonderful, but my mother was aghast.
The survey only reiterates what I know: Sex is always important to men. Even after a few years of marriage, sex is important, even though it doesn't matter if they don't get it often enough. The majority of men in small towns and in big cities have sex two or three times a week. Even then, using contraceptives is rare among small town men. Perhaps because they feel monogamy should have certain privileges?
For small town men, live-in relationships are not appropriate and even some metro men would rather date and then marry rather than live in with their partner. People cannot dissociate emotion from sex even today. That's why it's even more difficult to have multiple sexual partners. A majority of men in non-metros have not had extramarital affairs. Both metro and non-metro men do not believe in premarital sex.
I wonder how important, then, passion is to a relationship? Maybe we're all brought up to believe that marriage is about companionship in old age. That's the assurance of marriage. So everything else is simply unacceptable -wife swapping, one-night stands, orgies and other games.
Vatsyayana would not be proud. As a country it seems we have regressed from the 4th century of Kama Sutra to the 21st century of censorship. So while "touching" is completely out for the Indian male, both small town and metro men have no problem with voyeurism. Many men enjoy watching someone undress, bathe and even have sex. Voyeurism is simply porn to them. And porn is considered healthy! It releases stress and helps men stay faithful. The Internet has opened many doors to assist men. It's completely acceptable to surf and download porn, or even watch it in real life. In their minds, it's all right as long as they're not "touching"!
Boys in small towns from the age of 14 are naturally curious about sex and the female species. Their limited understanding comes from their friends and peer groups. What they hear, they acknowledge and accept as the whole truth. There exists a huge gap of information and segregation. There is no systematic sex education programme for children in the small town. Bollywood, with its item songs and man-chasing-woman formula, further fuel this altered universe. The result is shocking cases of molestation, rape and sexual misconduct of every possible sort. This gives birth to a culture of women as sex objects.
With a population of one billion people, we still believe that sex is bad. It's fine to talk about marriage, companionship and friendship. But as soon as there is talk about virginity, sex and orgasms, people will leave the room. Why are we so scared? Conversation is the best way to understand sex better. Reading, discussing and sharing are the correct methods to become an open society.
The survey indicates that both men and women think it's unacceptable to go to a sex therapist for guidance though they will if there are any medical problems. I firmly believe that all marriages need it at some point or the other.
Sex is put on such a pedestal that the stereotypes around it remain. Many metros still have men who have come from the small towns and reinforce their thoughts on their peers and women. If men don't progress in their ideas, sexual abuse will continue. We need a healthier education system where respect for the opposite sex is inculcated from a young age. We also need stronger laws against any form of sexual harassment. Moreover, we need a media that stands by women at all times. Only then can women take panga with a man and not be afraid of the consequences.
-Madhuri Banerjee is the author of Losing My Virginity And Other Dumb Ideas as well as Mistakes Like Love And Sex
courtesy : IndiaToday
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